Living with elderly parents is about providing care for their changing needs.

But, have you considered how living together might create tension?

Practice these 5 rules to keep the peace.

5 Rules Every Adult Child Should Consider While Living With Elderly Parents

Understand that Your Experiences are Different

People who grew up in the days of the Great Depression have different views on money than say a millennial.

These views extend to a number of things.

Everything from how children should be raised, how a home should be run down to how spouses talk to one another is heavily influenced by the era a person grew up in.

Conflicts easily arise because of these generation gaps and it is important to know that as you move your parent in, you will run into these types of problems.

Being ready for it will reduce the number of things you disagree on that are based on the different eras you both have experienced.

Consider Your Own Code of Behavior

We all deal with people we would rather not interact with everyday.

It could be at your local grocery store or it could be at your workplace.

In these instances, we always have a code of conduct we adhere.

Remembering your own code of conduct when you have to deal with difficult people will help you keep the peace with parents who have difficult personalities.

Yes, it is possible to co-exist peacefully with people you don’t like. Even if those people are your own parents.

Communicate Clear and Reasonable Boundaries

Set clear but reasonable boundaries that accommodates both of your needs.

It’s a well-researched fact that when boundaries are not clearly stated in a relationship it leads to conflict.

Since your elderly parent is moving into your house, it is important to communicate respectfully exactly what the rules are at your house and what the consequences are of breaking those are.

Perhaps you have a family and you like to get your children into bed by 8 pm.

This requires that the house is nice and quiet by a certain time.

If your parent is a night owl who has the television blaring into the wee hours of the night, it is important for you to communicate to them that you would appreciate it if they lowered volume of the TV after a certain time to allow your children to receive enough rest.

They may break the rules a few times, but staying firm with what you want and doing so in a manner that appeals to the sensibilities of your elderly parent goes a long way to keeping the peace.

Face the Reality: You Cannot do it all on Your Own

While a lot of us like to masquerade the world like we are superheroes, the truth is that nobody accomplishes great things on their own.

Taking care of your elderly parent is tough.

Moving them in with you is yet another bold move.

If your elderly parent has dementia, Alzheimer’s, urinary tract infections or any other health conditions, it throws an extra wrench into the whole situation.

It is understandable that you get burned out in these situations.

And it is almost inevitable that you will lose your cool and become very annoyed with your parent.

You’re not alone.

Caregiver burnout and stress is more common than you realize.

As a matter of fact, according to this study published by the American Psychological Association, there is a correlation between caregiver stress and elder abuse.

On top of that, being stressed out as a caregiver is not good for your own health.

Stress is related to problems like high blood pressure and heart disease.

One of the ways to reduce your stress as a caregiver is to get help.

This could involve enlisting the help of siblings or other family members to help with caring for your parent

Alternatively, you could source help from a home care agency like Green Tree Home Care.

Have the “Money Conversation”

Money is a common cause of contention for many families.

It is important to have the “money conversation” at the very beginning of living with elderly parents.

Your parent may still be collecting pension payments each month or may have financial investments they are benefiting from currently.

Having the money conversation with parents is not an exact science.

However, what you do want to avoid at all costs is the accusation that you are mismanaging your parent’s funds.

In the case where your parent has money that needs to be handled, getting the help of a licensed fiduciary can ease conflicts about money.

(Read more about fiduciaries and how they can help your parents with finances here.)

If your parents have no funds and all financial responsibility of taking care of them relies on you, it is also important that you settle this fact within yourself and where applicable, with your spouse and children.

It is not fair to remind your parent constantly that you are paying their bills and taking care of them financially.

Closing Thoughts

Living with elderly parents can be a pleasant experience with the right rules in place.

In this post, I’ve shared 5 rules you should consider while living with your elderly parents.

Implementing these rules especially at the beginning of cohabitation will ensure peace prevails in your home.

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During my fourth pregnancy, I got the unhappy news I needed to go on bed rest. I reluctantly put my regular life on hold and vowed to leave the chores and daily tasks to someone else for a short while. This was not an easy promise to keep. I felt resistant to home care. I hated losing my solitude and independence and I wasn’t comfortable relying on someone else for basic needs. As a home care owner, I knew how to arrange care.

Learning to Receive Care

But, learning to receive care was a whole new beast. The lovely caregiver came to my home pressed and polished. Now, as the client, I saw this experience through new eyes. She stood ready and willing to do whatever I asked. She was friendly and helpful. I couldn’t have asked for a nicer person. But, nice didn’t do it for me. Generally, I am a naturally quiet person. I am efficient and prize self motivation in myself and others and I don’t like telling people what to do. I want them to give me ideas of things they are willing to do. For me, talking was not a necessary exercise. I like it very quiet. This is just who I am and this lovely lady was not the right for my personality. She did NOTHING wrong. But, when it comes to sharing your personal space with a caregiver personality fit is super important. She was placed with a different client and someone new was sent to me.

Finding Caregiver Success

This time I was very specific about the qualities I knew I wanted and I communicated those with the staffing team. They hit it out of the park with Lacey. Lacey arrived and introduced herself. I gave her some introductory directions and she set to work. She worked her way around the house and looked for opportunities to take work off my plate. She asked me before tackling big projects. But, with my quick approval she completed her chosen task with detail and speed. I loved her vibe and we became friendly. I looked forward to seeing her and she got to know what I liked and how I liked it. When the baby came and I was off bedrest, I felt a sense of loss that Lacey would not continue our routine. I had gotten used to the help and enjoyed the camaraderie.

I learned from the client perspective how important the personal connection is. And, how difficult it feels to adjust to a new person sharing personal space. If you or your loved one feel resistant to home care, here are a few tips that helped me adjust to receiving help.

Make a List of Tasks You Need Help With

Before anyone ever came to the house. My family and I sat down to prioritize what tasks we needed help with. My husband hates to cook but enjoys laundry. Our older daughters agreed to keep up with pet care. No one wanted to take on meal prep. So, cooking went to the top of the list. After our family pow wow we had a solid list of must have duties and a few nice to have tasks sprinkled in. But, more than the task list, talking together about the coming caregiver gave us time to emotionally adjust to receiving outside care support. Discussing how someone might help us made the situation seem more positive than scary.

If you are helping a loved one arrange home care, I recommend you meet with your loved one to discuss where the added help will be most effective. If your loved one is resistant to care the caregiver task list can end up a bit short. It is important to tease out places your loved one might accept help. Forcing people to accept care often creates conflict. So, list building and family discussions play an important role in early acceptance.

Clearly Communicate Your Care Needs to Your Chosen Home Care Agency

You know your loved one and what he or she needs. Make sure you share all care requirements. Sometimes family members are embarrassed by a loved one’s personal biases or desires. But, it helps create a smoother transition if a client isn’t immediately put on the defense.

Give Feedback

Caregivers can’t improve if you don’t communicate with them. Your chosen agency is the actual employer of your caregiver. Great agencies use your feedback to provide caregiver coaching. Sometimes creating client specific cleaning schedules or offering gentle feed back is all it takes to move a caregiver from good to great. Weather you offer coaching directly to your caregiver or share your feedback with the agency so they can encourage improvements you must get used to offering constructive criticism. I recommend you share concerns quickly before irritation becomes frustration. If your loved one is resistant to care asking her to accept a caregiver may feel frustrating. Make sure caregivers are properly trained before starting work with a resistant individual. Once a client moves from open to frustrated, it is harder for the caregiver to create a professional bond.

Be Patient

It takes time to adjust to change. Be prepared for your loved one to feel resistant to home care for some time. Even when the caregiver is a great fit, it can take weeks to get used to having a caregiver come in. This is especially true for people who have some level of cognitive impairment. They may need to spend many days with a caregiver before they feel comfortable with a new face.

Wrap Up

If you or your loved one feel resistant to home care, you are not alone. It takes time to feel comfortable with someone in you personal space. Preplan and make lists so you know exactly what you want a caregiver to help with. Usually the list evolves as client and caregiver become more comfortable with each other. Let your caregiver know how you feel he or she is doing whether it is good or bad. And, be patient with yourself, your loved one, and the caregiver. This is new for all of you and sometimes it takes time to settle into comfort!

 

Are you thinking about moving your parent in with you? Here are 5 cohabitation realities you may not have considered yet!

This post is in no way written to scare you or dissuade you from allowing your parents to move in with you.

There are simply serious points to consider as you take this very important decision.

Let’s dive in.

5 things to consider before moving your parent in

1-You have changed. So has your parent.

It is important to realized that since you moved out from your parent’s home in your late teens or early twenties, both you and your parent have changed.

Your personalities may have remained the same but perhaps they way you like to eat or the way you like to keep your home has changed drastically.

They are set in their ways. And you are set in yours.

This may cause some friction between you and them.

It is important to realize that personal conflicts will arise because of this.

2- The time/money investment

Moving your parent in with you is a time and money investment.

If you have to move your parents by yourself, you will have to take time off work, go over to their home, help them pack, get rid of stuff they don’t need and then finally load everything into a vehicle to move them.

You can spread the time you do this over a period of weeks or months.

There will be a time investment regardless of the approach you take.

Let’s also not forget that a time investment goes beyond moving day.

In the initial phases of moving your parent in, if they need home care and you have not engaged the services of a home care agency, you will have to take up that responsibility.

You will also have to plan to spend quality time with your aging parent.

When it comes to money, the financial investment involved in moving your parent in will show up in different forms:

• Moving day will cost money
• Any renovations and adjustments you have to make to your home will cost money
• Your bills may increase with an additional family member living with you

If you’re deciding now to move your parent in, it is important to understand that your parent may not be able to work to help you pay the bills around the house.

Settling this thought within yourself will keep fights about money to a minimum.

3- Equip your home properly for your parent

This is especially important if your parent has health and/or mobility issues.

Your bathroom will need supports to help your parent take safe showers independently.

Walkways around your home will need to be well-lit to avoid falls.

You will need to upgrade Fire and carbon monoxide detectors.

For parents who have dementia or suffer with Alzheimer’s disease, you may have to make sure that their bedroom is set up in a safe way so they don’t hurt themselves in an unfamiliar environment.

For more on how to equip your home safely for senior adults, please read this post.

4- Unresolved conflicts may flare up

Having to care for your parent you have had conflicts with in the past may be unavoidable.

Living in close proximity with them could cause unresolved personal conflicts to flare up.

In this case, it is important to remember a few things.

1. You have a personal moral code. This code dictates how you treat people whether you like them or not. You employ this code when you have to work with people everyday who rub you the wrong way. Use this code with your parent.
2. Discuss and enforce boundaries. Most of our conflicts come down to the fact that we have not set boundaries for the people we interact with. When boundaries are clear and the rules are set, trespassing is kept to a minimum.
3. Clear up the confusion and forgive them…even if the forgiveness only comes from your end. It is always better to be the bigger person and as Elsa sings in the movie Frozen “Let it go”.

 5- Making a decision to move your parent may not be a singular decision

Unless you are a single person, making the decision to move your parent into your home is not a singular decision.

You will have to discuss the decision with your spouse and children and get them on board.

Neglecting to do so can be another cause of conflicts in your home.

Closing Thoughts

Moving your parent in with you is a noble thing.

In your case, it may be the best decision for you and your parent.

However, like any important in life, it is important to consider all angles of it before you make a decision.

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I have the honor of sharing a home with my father. In fact, I share a home with my husband, two teen girls, two cats, two pigs, two milk cows, 20 something chickens, and my father. We have a busy life. And, inviting my dad to join our world added chaos and joy. There were a few moments of rockiness, but all-in-all our blended, busy family is humming along nicely. We learned lessons along the way. And, I have many years of experince helping adult children living with an ageing parent. These lessons come from my own experience and the experiences of hundreds of other successful family caregivers.

Make Sure the Buyin is There

One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is creating lots of plans before getting their ageing loved one involved. I completely understand the appeal of reaching out to providers, compiling information, talking with siblings, visiting with contractors, and fully formulating a plan before presenting it to your loved one. Here is the problem – unless your loved one is unable to make decisions – the planning activity is part of the acceptance process. In an effort to ease the decision making process for your loved one, you want to present all the options in a clear well thought out way. But, you take the control out of the hands of your loved one and skip straight to check yes or no. Where is the courtship? Living with an ageing parent is often a matter of necessity, but that doesn’t mean it should feel plug and play to your loved one.

Family Buyin

The second biggest buyin block I see is with siblings. You know your loved one needs much more care than she is currently getting. She has firmly said she doesn’t want to move to an assisted living community. It only makes sense to move her in with you! Well, maybe your siblings have other ideas. Even if your siblings can’t possibly care for your mom the way you can, your siblings may still insist on implementing their own care ideas. While not every family has a long history of open communication, working together to create a move-in plan often saves drama and hurt feelings later. Try to get siblings and other important family members into the conversation early. One great way to create buyin is to assign every member a job. For instance, since you plan to host your loved one in your home, maybe a sibling who is out of the area can interview and locate a moving company to help. Or an out of area sibling can offer to manage bill pay and document signing. Work together to make living with an ageing parent easier for everyone!

Don’t Hide Important Information

Usually living with an ageing parent is the most cost effective, comprehensive option a family can choose. Make sure you have a very clear understanding of your loved ones financial situation and what if any financial contribution you expect. Consider this information a family topic so no one feels slighted or cheated. Make sure to discuss future plans that might affect the living situation of your loved one like a home sell. When you lay your cards on the table, fewer opportunities for miscommunication exist.

Take a Realistic Look at Your Set Up

You will need to look at the current and future needs of your loved one. While she may be able to get up stairs now, will she be able to handle them in 6 months or a year? What kinds of home modifications will you need to make to properly care for your loved one? Can you afford the emotional and physical output your loved one may require? Have you realistically considered how hard it is to care for someone 24 hours a day? You want to consider long term plans before you make important life changes. You can always relocate your loved one to an assisted living facility later. But, moving can be hard on senior adults, especially those with memory impairment.

Create a Plan of Care

As the owner of a home care agency, Green Tree Home Care I have seen the positive impact of great care planning. We always create a plan of care for every client. We do this to make sure support systems are in place, current and anticipated needs are met, and everyone is on the same page. When you are living with an ageing parent, it is import to write down all the care needs. If your loved one needs 24 hour care or cannot be left alone, you will want to include a plan for respite care. Often adult children living with an ageing parent will call us for care support while they work. Or, they will request a caregiver on the weekends so they can go out with friends and other family. The most successful family caregivers plan for personal time, and make it part of the plan of care. If your loved one has trouble walking, you may want to include a physical therapist or personal trainer into your care plan. You can also utilize services like meals on wheels, home visit doctors, and mobile dentists. Speak with medical professionals about what resources you might want to include.

Host Family Meetings

As the condition of your loved one changes you will want to keep family members in the loop. With your loved one’s permission, invite family members to weigh in on concerns and decisions on a regular basis. These meetings will give you a focused time to share your hands on experiences. Family meetings are great for assigning new jobs, planning for upcoming care needs, and asking for more help. I often notice family caregivers are like frogs in hot water. They will continue to provide care alone as the needs increase. They keep going until, nearly exhausted, they realize the world is boiling around them. Family meetings allow siblings outside the gradual day-to-day changes to offer support when you might not know you need it!

Wrap Up

When you are living with an ageing parent there are lots of responsibilities you assume. By getting everyone’s buyin, communicating honestly, assessing your setup, creating a care plan, and hosting family meetings you will create a collaborative environment for everyone!

 

Caring for another person requires patience and consideration. You can use Great caregiver strategies to help manage difficult caregiving situations and improve your charges state. Caregiver strategies are not complicated. But, using some tricks from the pros will help you stand out and bring joy to your loved one or client.

Make a Plan Before Starting Care

Great caregivers know that bathing and transfers can be difficult for those they care for. They want to minimize stress and create an environment of comfort and support. A great way to make care tasks more enjoyable is to have all supplies set up and on hand. Showering is a great example of a task that requires planning. You instinctively prepare your own shower but you want to plan for the comfort of your charge:

Do you have towels ready

Is the room warmed and comfortable

Have you checked the water temperature to ensure it isn’t too hot

Do you have mild soaps and washcloths ready

Have you set out clothing, so you don’t have to leave your charge unattended in a towel

Do you have shower chairs, walkers, or wheelchairs handy and in reach.

Is the room safe for transfers and do you feel comfortable supporting you charge at the level she needs

As you can see from the above list there are lots of factors to consider when caring for another person’s personal needs. When you initiate a care task with someone who has compromised physical or cognitive function, you must consider how the task will affect her safety. You need to make a plan that engages your charge while still allowing you to accomplish the care task in a safe comfortable manner.

Dementia – Live in Their World

Dementia care requires a special touch! New caregivers sometimes try to repeatedly explain their rational reasoning to a person with dementia. It can escalate into a frustrating mess with the caregiver baffled and the person with dementia scared and anxious – not a good outcome! As a person providing care you must remember that dementia is a disease. It is not simply old age or “forgetfulness”. It is a medical condition that causes physical changes in the brain and interrupts normal processing. As a caregiver your job is not to remind that person of “reality”(unless that brings peace and comfort to your charge). You role is to keep your charge safe, carefor, and comfortable. As you continue your journey into caregiving, you will learn how to be an expert dementia caregiver.

I once met a woman who had significant memory loss. She would ask her daughter several times a day where her husband of 50 years was. Each time the daughter would reply, “Dad died last year mom, remember?” And, each time, the mother would break down into hysterical sobs that would last until she forgot the conversation. The daughter realized quickly that this pattern was causing intense stress for her mother. She began answering her mother’s question with, “Dad went to the store. He should be back soon.” With that, her mother would continue whatever task they were engaged in.

Redirecting a person with dementia takes the focus off emotionally stressful situations. It allows you to meet the needs of your charge. Trying to bring a person with dementia to your present creates frustration. Live in the world they have created for themselves as long as it doesn’t compromise their health and safety. Redirection is one of the pro caregiver strategies.

Communication is King

In-home caregiving usually takes place in a personal residence where only you and your charge or charges dwell. While the act of caregiving is very one-on-one there is usually a support network of family, friends, and professionals who have an interest in your charge. Your role is to make sure all care team members are aware of changes and on board with the care plan execution. Great communication channels include written notes in the home, company provided online portals, texts, calls, and email. The channels you use depend on the needs of your charge and the supporting care team.

On the flipside over communication of every minor incident may water down the urgency of important communications. Make sure to read the level of communication each authorized person wishes to receive. For instance, nurse case managers may want regular health updates while a financial power of attorney only wants the numbers. Make sure your communications are timely, appropriate, and important.

Use Great Body Mechanics

Proper lifting and support protects you and your charge. Youtube abounds with how to videos and professional organizations offer training and support for proper lifting. You can’t provide great care if your back is out. And, your transfers will not go smoothly if you are not using proper technique. Often people believe size matters when it comes to transfers and hands-on care. While it is a factor, I have seen petite 4’11” women gracefully transfer clients a man with poor technique could not easily move – technique matters.

Know Your Charges Nutritional Needs

Unintended weight loss and malnutrition is a problem in the elderly community. When you care for someone else, nutrition should be a big consideration. Plan for your charges nutritional health. Take note of foods that she favors and create a consistent well received menu. People with dementia sometimes experience changes in hunger awareness and processing. You will want to place foods in front of you charge rather than asking if she is hungry. I have seen clients with dementia decline food when offered then dig immediately dig into a plate of food placed in front of them. If it is your charge’s normal meal time, prepare food. You don’t want your charge to skip meals because she has forgotten she is hungry or embarrassed to put you out.

Wrap UP

Great caregiver strategies often come down to pre-planning. Know your charge and practice anticipating her needs. Your role is to provide care and engagement. You want to avoid stress and anxiety. So consider the needs of your charge and focus on providing consistent, considerate care.

 

I am a fairly young person with two kids in elementary and middle school. My life is about carpools, school functions, and collage plans. My husband and I both work to keep the wheels turning. I was not planning on making a huge change to my life style, and then – my parent moves in!

I remember chatting with my dad about the “possibility” of him moving in. Then, with what seemed like a blink, he was at the door – boxes in hand. My husband and I helped my father situate into a covered patio we converted into a comfortable studio. We both carried boxes in a daze wondering what we had done exactly. There wasn’t an end date to Dad’s visit. In fact, it felt permanent.

My father was healthy at move in, but retired and reinventing himself. After decades of independence we suddenly had another opinionated adult sharing our daily lives. It felt wonderful in some moments and jarring in others.

If you are considering inviting your parent to share your home consider some of the emotional challenges that may lie ahead:

You Have a Roomate You Didn’t Necessary Want

My husband and I loved the idea of Grandpa close to our girls, participating in their young years. But, we quickly realized my father is an independent adult who has his own way of doing things, and expectations for his own comfort and routines.

Most of time we are respectful of his space and vise versa, but at times it seems clear we have a roomate with social rules we did not anticipate. Questions about food and cleaning become important to address. It helps to set boundaries for dealing with children living at home, and how the grandparent role fits with the housemate role.

It is very important that you have open and honest conversations about what living together might look like. If you are sharing a roof with your parent, you want to have clear expectations for both parties.

Old Patterns May Emerge

My father and I are both non-confrontational people which works out wonderfully most of the time. But, some of the parent child habits we spent 18 years developing creep back into the picture. As a teen I did most of the cooking, and my father would bring home the bacon – literally. Now, I work a lot, and often from home in the evening.

Dad may proudly walk into the house, and set his grocery store finds in front of my kitchen counter perch. He will look from me to the raw chicken breast waiting for me to fill my role as the 16-year-old maker of chicken – um no! There are four other capable cooks in our house including Dad who are not working in that precise dinner time moment.

It took a long time to undo the “I bring it home – you cook it pattern”. Now, the person who has the least going on assumes dinner responsibilities for the night. Don’t be afraid to talk to your loved one about habits and patterns that don’t work in the new arrangement, and celebrate the parts that do!

If your parent moves in because he or she is experiencing physical or cognitive issues, you may have less control of how your loved one responds to new patterns. Parents experiencing dementia my bring back old patterns that have been at rest for years, but feel fresh to your loved one. It is important to remember these behaviors are a result of illness.

You Might Feel Role Reversal Friction

I am an adult who makes hundreds of different decisions every day. I haven’t asked permission or considered what I could and couldn’t do in my house – because it is mine! When a parent moves in he isn’t the owner of that home, and doesn’t have the same carte blanche he enjoyed when “you lived under his roof”. If you have invited your loved one to move in, you have effectively said my home is now your home again. But, there are still teeter totter movements when child and parent struggle for home decision dominance.

My Dad begrudgingly puts up with my no red wine on white couches policy, and I deal with his elevator music choices. We are now sharing roles we both individually held with ease.

Your Otherwise Supportive Spouse May Not Love the New Arrangement

I spent my entire life learning the nuanced language of my father. I know what his raised eyebrow means, and how far I can tease before I get the look. I enjoy hearing my father laugh with friends on the phone. And, I like chatting with him in the morning when we share a cup of coffee. These activities feel natural to me and take me to a good place.

My wonderful husband has none of those experience anchors to keep him emotionally grounded in this tumultuous family blending. He is on strange footing with a strange person on his home turf. Be patient with family members who don’t have the emotional history you do with your loved one. You have to be willing to allow family members to find their own way to respectfully share space.

Your Parent May Require Emotional Capital You Don’t Have

My husband and I work. We run the kids around and keep the house going. By the end of the day we are zapped and nearly fall into bed. We are mindful to stay connected with each other throughout the busy day. When your parent moves in, the delicate balance you created to keep your sanity and your life my become disrupted.

If you loved one is leaving his social network, or changes in health have made socializing difficult, you may become his main social outlet.

My Dad loved to chat with me near the end of my workday when I was trying to cram the last few lines into an email. My fractured attention made my emails sloppy and my conversation stilted. Now, dad and I have our chats in the morning over breakfast or while sharing a glass a wine on a Friday night. This gives us the emotional connection we both need while creating space for us to thrive as individuals.

Closing Thoughts

When a parent moves in, life changes and a new chapter begins. Make sure to have the difficult conversations upfront. If your loved one is coping with a physical or mental impairment, make sure to educate yourself and create a support system. Check out this article for great information about San Diego home care resources. The Alzheimer’s association is a great resource for family caregivers and offers local support groups.

Remember, sharing a home with your loved one is a short season in your life and a gift you will never forget.